I would like to congratulate my favorite microbiologist on her recent physiological changes! We’ve also got our second in the pipeline. And it looks like this one will have those nasty, floppy, dangly parts.
Although very cognizant of the fact that I am of the redundant (XY) gender, I hope I might be permitted to offer a few random… thoughts? suggestions? as a recent parent. Take them for what they are.
1) Lamaze is useless. As far as I can see, the best thing that it does is allow anxious parents to get proactive. And also to be led through the various stages of labor and delivery. I did like the delivery videos – found them surprisingly moving, which I never did until I became a putative father.
2) The lamaze instructor kept using the male pronoun in reference to the baby – “He’ll do this, he’ll do that…” which started to annoy the hell out of me (knowing that we would be having a she). Parenthood changes your perspective on things…
3) Don’t be a fucking hero. Take the epidural… The woman in the room next to us was having her baby without it. She sounded like a prisoner in Abu Ghreib…
4) Nurses have a ton of experience. You should respect that. But some of them also have some crazy ideas…
5) Significant Others – map out in advance the path from the front of the hospital to the OB. The last thing you want to do is try to figure out directions while your woman is in labor.
6) When my baby came out, she was beautiful, amazing etc… But the thought that went through my head was, “Holy shit, she looks completely pissed off.” She was looking at me like, “What the hell just happened? I mean, WTF? And who the hell are you”
7) Munchkin was amazingly hairy when she came out. I sort of – intellectually – expected it (elevated testosterone etc). But it was still a shock. I said to my wife, “Honey, I think you just gave birth to a gorilla.” For some reason, wife wasn’t all that amused.
8) Funniest words in the English language: “cloth diapers”. HA!
9) Sleep now for you shall sleep no more…

